Why Can’t you Swim? You’re an Adult for Fuck’s Sake

“Seriously, why the fuck can’t you swim?”

A question I have honestly had to ask far too many adults lately. As a Floridian, my mother gave birth to me on a beach where I crawled amongst sea turtles into the ocean. Okay, slight exaggeration, but I was learning to swim simultaneously while learning to walk.

In Florida, that is the smartest thing a parent can do. If you don’t have a pool, there is an ocean or a lake or a canal within walking distance of your house. Shoot, if you child digs a whole too deep in the playground they will find water. So, how the fuck do people grow up and not learn how to swim?

There are only two acceptable reasons you are an adult and can’t swim:

You aren’t actually human and don’t want to short circuit your motherboard.


Kate Upton is your lifeguard

Which, let’s be honest. If you are an adult and think that it’s acceptable to fake your death to get some lip action – you are a creep and are contributing to rape culture. Stop it.

So unless we are all suddenly transported inside a PS2 and forced to play Grand Theft Auto the old fashioned way, you need to learn how to swim. Water is all around us. Water is life. Matter of fact, most of your body is water. Most of this planet is water! You are a human being, we didn’t evolve this far to be afraid of some H2O. Fear sharks, fear the unknown. But get over your drowning fear, kick and stroke, kick and stroke, it’s not that hard.

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